PARKWOOD MASSACRE TURNS INTO A VOTING FARCE BEFITTING THE USA PRESIDENTIAL FIASCO

If you do something well, you get recognised. Commission in the work place, grades at university, maybe a bonus for selling a certain amount of units in the tireless attempt to get the housing market up and running.....in B&E 2’s, you have a good game, expect to be dragged down a few pegs, scolded by friends and berated like a rabid dog. The raft of jealousy, as insignificant performances voted negatively for the cream, was embarrassing, almost as embarrassing as the Tuna mornay portion sizes at Uni of Kent. Fasten your seatbelts, some are in for a rocky ride.

Only at Blackheath & E HC will you win a game 12-0 yet one of the defenders wins man of the match and the forward line accounts for 9 of the DOTD votes. The voting would suggest we battled hard to maintain possession and toiled under the weight of a plethora of international forwards, only for the forward line to fortuitously score 12, somehow, whilst all, apparently, having total shockers.....

Let’s have a deeper look at this..

Coach Bloomfield made the bold decision that the oppo wouldn’t be offering us too many headaches and shook up the formation to go 3-2-3-2......fair play, the boys adapted and played superbly. After a cheeky hour drive down from South East London, we were all still buzzing from stories of skin grafts and transplants from Dr Catmur, the rain was teaming down and the warm up was pretty slick....the game started. We didn’t have push back.

The first 7 minutes were devoid of structure and cohesion. The ball pinged around, back and forth, the Uni even penetrated our D for some warmth. But it would take a triple sub to get the ball rolling. Thorogood, Marwarha and Charlish spring from the bench like a team of Salmon in fresh water, precise runs up front, inter play to make you wet your pants and a jinking run from Mike Lawerence. The returning Sniper banged a reverse tomma, cheers. 1-0.

Then a brace of impish opportunism as Thorogood slotted a quality bottom corner finish and then deflected at the far post from Lewis Lawrence to make it 3-0.

The pressure told, Kent would fight back. Catmur was plucking balls out of the air like a Rugby Union full back. Hughes and Kitchen were playing some lovely precision passes and Fowler was ‘running tings’ in the middle of the park

Charlish was finding his feet, another calculated run and cross resulted in a short corner that was saved, but Marwarha was on hand to have 3 swings at it to roof it past the Keeper. Needless to say the back had been broken of our opposition but low and behold they kept on coming back at us, we wouldn’t let them settle. Another corner and a miss placed injection allowed Thorogood to rifle the ball in to record his hattrick.

The half would end with another high class bit of play from the much maligned forward line as Prem left 3 defenders for dead and located Jones at the far post for a delicious finish.

Half time and as the oppo discussed how best to cope with Nathan’s bantz, we all settled into a bag of fizzy sweets as Jade begged us to start playing something that resembled hockey, rather than the turgid dribble and fight hockey we had resorted to since the 5th had gone in,

The second half was much better, but as is often the case, initially, the better hockey was not rewarded. Eventually we got there, Mayfield slammed one bottom bag, Mike L hit one in off the post and then Mayfield slotted another under the keeper. In-between all that yours truly was wrong footed at the far post by a wicked spinning deflection, as I inexplicably almost got something on it when most wouldn’t have got near, the ball had run away from me. The efforts of a first half hat trick were banished, this would stick in the simple minds of the Republicans.

Cast your mind back to a sunny Anfield day in 1994. A cheeky faced Robbie Fowler would burst into the scene and demolish Arsenal in 4 minutes and 33 seconds. One of the fastest hat-tricks in Premier League history. Today, Oli Ivens went one better. The 4 minute trick saw Oli score 3, all from a yard, all identical. Another forward putting his body on the line for the team, needless to say the Republicans would vote for him too, let’s call him the Vice President of the United States of Ridiculous.

So that was that, we all had a nice warm shower, it was cold and wet, Canterbury is a miserable place. The students will no doubt be knee deep in funnels and each other by the time we’re back to London. We did have the chance to sample their food and beer. The Portions were befitting Sam Littles diet as no one left full. We sat in a circle and the biggest voting farce since the US public lost their mind and voted in big Don.

12-0 does reflect the game. The DOTD vote does not. Some got off lightly, but we can all pat ourselves on the back and be happy that if you didn’t score, at least you had the opportunity to dig the knife in deep on those that did. Beware, what goes around come around.

Holcombe at home next week. Who knows who they will bring.

MOTM: Fergus - jolly good chap and all round life saver.

DOTD: Edd - 3 goals & selfless passing and running.