THE VIEW FROM NATHAN'S HELMET

Now, a good match report title has to have a number of qualities. Despite essentially being a single very short sentence, it still has to sum up 70 minutes of hockey, entice the reader to actually bother to scroll down the page, give an indication of the style in which the report has been written, and of course, have a modicum of humour attached.

Unfortunately, the will-power and creativity required to meet these criteria escapes me right now, and so I have lazily shoe-horned in a title suggested by Edd Linekar, despite there being literally no reason to mention our flamboyant stopper beyond this point.

(Insert generic pre-amble about why the following match report is going to be a list of goals scored, and why anyone who didn't score or assist a goal will not be mentioned)

And so....

1-0: Mitchell plays a quick long corner in to Marwaha who beats 2 defenders and cheekily finishes on the reverse from a tight angle

2-0: Jones harasses the Ashford defence (non-verbally) and forces an error, stealing the ball from the last defender before rounding the keeper and slotting home

3-0: Thorogood continues his fine form, getting the faintest of touches on Marwaha's shot/cross to deflect through the keepers legs

4-0: Ivens plays in Marwaha who, after sportingly making the chance harder for himself, fires home from the edge of the D

5-0: Dr Slack turns his man before unleashing a pin-point 30 yard pass which Thorogood sublimely touches home at the near post from a personal-best 3 yards out

Half Time: the usual

6-0: Slack once again turns provider, dribbling to the base line and cutting back for Meier to score his first ever goal for the club, not a dry eye in the house.

7-0: A hat-trick of assists for Slack and a hat-trick of goals for Thorogood. The former stealing possession in the D and putting the ball on a plate for the latter, who gobbles it up like a surprisingly good carbonara

8-0: Jones gets the winning goal, beating his man off, before unleashing an unstoppable shot from a narrow angle

Final score:

Blackheath and Elthamians 2nd XI 8 - 0 Ashford 2nd XI

MOTM: Slacky- setting up goals for fun

DOTD: Prem- hat-trick avoidance