Lost in Translation

So, I guess it’s my turn to write the match report for Blackheath & Elthamians 3s playing Tunbridge Wells 2s. Thanks to work and traffic, I arrived late and hence it is double D for me. Before I start this endeavour, I would like to take a moment for some contemplation though. Firstly, I don’t believe that anyone will read this report. If you are, well done. You surprised the author of this trashy piece of inaccurate historic fiction. To prove my point, I have decided to put my money where my mouth is and started a charity website. Since we lost 3:0 (Oh yes, Blackheath & Elthamians lost 3:0 - maybe I could have started with that. Ah well, too late…) I pledge £30 to charity if 30 different people give money on my page to Great Ormond Street Hospital. I bet that there are not even 3 people reading this far, but we will see. Now, you might think that this is easily done. Let’s prove him wrong, you might exclaim. Steady, tiger. The link to the website is at the end of this report. You did not really think I would make it this easy, did you?

To return to the task at hand, the second observation of match reports (and I read a few for inspiration - a whole lot of good did that do) is that it seems to be norm to give players funny nicknames. I am not witty enough to even attempt this degree of hilarity, so will use no names at all. The shame of this loss will forever be buried in anonymity.

I digress. Write about the game, they told me. One line for each good pass you played, they told me. I can’t remember any, is the problem though. In fact, this is the main problem in writing match reports. Having to remember the game. Not only is my short term memory as flaky as the journalistic skills I am trying to deploy in this piece, I also dread to re-live the whole game to find key moments that decided the outcome. I guess therein lies the ultimate DD punishment. So, here is what I remember. There were three key moments: Tunbridge Wells scored their first goal, then their second and finally the third. Minor points to mention: I got a bloody knee after a slide tackle that I thought made me look like a young god, diving from Olympus straight onto the pitch to make an insubstantial tackle somewhere mid-pitch in a game that I have evidently already banished from working memory. Also, that other guy in my team stopped a ball. Honestly, that was particularly impressive, as most of us did not. The pitch, of course was at fault, as admitting our own faults does not come easy. Memento Mori! So overall, well done, Tunbridge Wells for 3 points you deserved. We fought hard, but in the end you scored more goals. And since there is little sense in dwelling in the past, let us do what we do best, look forward to the next weekend, when we do the same again, win or loose, rain or shine, young or old. Why, because we love it and ultimately, even a lost game is a game of hockey and a Saturday well spend.

Ah yes, well done! You persevered and you deserve the price. Here is the link: https://www.justgiving.com/matchreport. Not that you need it. We both know you won’t donate anything anyway…

MoTM Gurpreet Purewal / Adam Mulvanny
DoTD Freddie Meier