SGT WHITNEY's LIVELY 5's CLUB BAND

After a disappointing draw to kick the season off Sgt Whitney was very clear in his pre planned team talk. Fix up, look sharp, use the ball and get stuck in. Rarely does a skipper get 3 days to plan such an inspiring rant, but such was the work of new team Sec, Michael 'tip in' Thorns that the 5's were vacuum packed by 5pm Wednesday! That's no mean feat considering the amalgamation of wise old souls and young little rippers! Precise and effortless team prep aside, this merry band of fearsome foot soldiers were at the ready and champing at the bit to go 'over the top' for their sergeant, their leader, their captain!

And so to the game, a light sprinkling of 02 on the deck meant a slick surface for the squadron to go to work on. Sgt Whitney won the toss & elected to bat on what looked a really good pitch. First use of the ball is always great and, much like San Marino vs England in 1993, BOE strode forward and almost took the lead with in moments. The 'Little Messi' James Elliott bursting through the Burnt ash ranks and finding Paddy '5 touch' Ferguson, who effortlessly rounded Kid Rock in the BA left back slot and got the ball across goal. A mishmash of efforts at goal and fluffed clearances eventually led to the gentleman at the back, In a flat cap, clearing the ball for a long corner, only to summon his sheep dog and round up the goats in the neighbouring field.

It wasn't long before BOE set the record straight as a flourish of pazazzzz and 'Je ne cest qua' saw 6 goals fly in in just 18 minutes. First some slick work from the rock solid Tino Greham at the back fed new boy Danny 'Wear it like its stolen' Bayliss the ball made its way through midfield only for returning hero Cam Lester to feed Edd Thorogood for a neat deflected finish. 1-0 and much deserved.

Moments later and it was 2-0 as Paddy reacted first to a good good save from the rookie Burnt Ash keeper. From almost the base line, fun time Paddy found the corner as the keeper rendered himself 'split' much like Phil Babb at Anfield in 1998. Sloppy work from Kid Rock allowed Thorogood to nip in for a third following a quickly taken free hit.

From 3-0, add 3 and you will get 6. The next 10 mins was something to behold as the BOE answer to Luis Suarez, Michael Thorns, turned embarrassment into disaster for Burnt Ash as he registered a Hattrick of tip ins to put the proverbial cat well and truly in the mixer with the pigeons. First it was marauding centre back Johnny Coleman who found Thorns with a pin point pass and the striker 'flip reversed it' to the tune of wrong footing the keeper and making it 4. Next Thorns would steal into the centre of the D, lose his marker and throw himself in from of a thunderbolt across goal, 5-0 and the team sec was staring down the barrel of a jug! And so it would arrive, the wonder kid would react quickest to Stu Mc's excellent strike and the one yard poacher was at it again as the pigeons took another shot the back of the brain. 6-0, a Hattrick and there was still 40 odd minutes left in the game. Half time couldn't come quick enough and as Burnt Ash left the field with their shorts round their ankles, BOE headed for the tunnel baying for blood and hungry for more.

Harsh words of the unsatisfied skipper would be stinging the ears of the BOE band as Sgt Whitney demanded more from his charges. The second half would see far more link up play but less efficiency in the opening moments of the 2nd dig. Jamie Cotgrave, who resembled German centre back legend, Mattias Sammer, strode forward time after time, finding Ross Ainley and Elliott in oceans of space, good balls in were expelled by the BA back line as BOE would strive to add to the first half mauling of the tame beasts in front of them.

Time would not allow a second half shut out however as the tireless skipper was playing raking passes in the mould of Steven Gerrard himself. One such pass split the BA defence like a knife through butter and James Elliott was in space. The little Messi ran through on goal and with one touch and a strike baffled the BA keeper as the ball nestled beautifully in the bottom corner, causing Paddy Feeguson to drop to the floor in moronic celebration! 7-0 and more to come.

A swift move saw to the 8th as Ferguson again linked with James 'smudger' Smith and then fed Thorogood who slapped it into the net from 18 yards, but the final piece of the jigsaw saw Danny 'I'll chip u if u want' Baylis take on his reverse strike for the 2nd time as his bullet strike hammered into the bottom corner as his first effort still hung in the air somewhere over Bromley. That was 9, the magic 9 and 9 is where it would remain.

Just deserves for an epic win, I mustn't forget Sammy 'the cat' Hannon who, although fairly unmoved, tidied up the odd erroneous ball into our D. What a joy it was, 9-0 before lunch and points on the board. Sport is fun and that was super good fun. Man of the match went to the rock of Gibraltar Tino Greham at the back but one & all must be delighted as everyone contributed to a stunning display. Bring on next week when the Sgt will no doubt sound his bugle and the soldiers will flock to his cause as his marching tune rolls back into town for 'Sgt Whitney's lively 5's club band!