Blackheath &Elthamians L1 6-0 Southend & Benfleet

The famous five - no, wait. 11. No, hang on. 14. No, actually. 16 - does hockey.

The BEHC ‘mob’ - a gaggle of 16 feisty and determined LADIES, I’ll have you know - descended on Eltham Collage. With one ray of sunshine and not a tan in sight but the remnants of orange eyebrows, the BEHC mob were set to reveal their sticks and battle. The battle of ‘Tea-Gate’ as it would become known. Nails were sharpened, cuffs were folded and hair was scraped back into pony tails with grips to ensure full visibility. And fight. One side of the changing room stood strong in their argument for BEHC’s infamous water-based grub whilst their opponents fought loudly to have a chat over a nice milky cuppa or in Welsh’s world something a lot stronger, served with a delicate slice of homemade ginger loaf. Caught in the cross fire, the ever so diplomatic Captain called time with a clash of sticks and agreed that both could be served.

Heaving a sigh of relief and thankful that the main battle in question - the one that the mob had come to solve - was over, Captain Sue revealed that whilst we were there, we should probably play a game of hockey.

Met with a lukewarm but accepting reception, the mob slowly armoured up and embarked on the long and exhausting expedition down to the pitch.

After a warm up, a coin toss and the cutting-it-fine arrival of the mob’s coach, the game was set. Like the closeted chess champions they are, BEHC’s moves were calculated and successful. Removing opponents with ease and skills as smooth as a babies bottom, goals ensued.

A short corner was converted with sublime accuracy by Jilly, before Hannie B placed the second and El Captaino the third, concluding the first half with a cheeky three point lead.

Half time was disappointing. Waving a very sad goodbye to the traditional orange slice, the mob were so preoccupied with Tea-Gate that they didn’t even remember to bring a sweet among them. What has the world come to? But like mobs do, the mob reassembled for the last fight of the day.

The second half was equally as fruitful (despite being fruitless as half time had proven). With stellar passes from defence, silky skills from midfield and leading legs from the forwards, three more goals were netted away by Stonebanks and Moore. Not before Kate almost destroyed the opposition’s GK with a shot to the....OOOUUUUCCCCHHHH!

6-0 and the whistle was blown. A battle well fought. The mob was once again victorious and elated that the missing mojo had been found. And as compromised, the game was celebrated with an interesting mix of plated water, carb and cake.

MOM - Emma ‘can take 4 out in one move’ Hux. Superstar status remains.
But there could only be one DOD. Votes were needlessly cast as the decision had been made within the first 15 minutes. Sue Moore made sure that our could have been 7-0 win was only 6 with a fantastic save.