The theatre of sport is littered with tales of injustice. Jimmy White losing 6 snooker world championship finals, Asamoah Gyan missing a last minute penalty in a World Cup quarter final for Ghana, Alan Shearer still being able to hold down a lucrative career as a football pundit despite being terrible... the list goes on. And, with it being sport, for every injustice being suffered at one end, there is an incredible stroke of luck being enjoyed at the other. Whether it’s Stephen Hendry, Uruguay or Alan Shearer, there is always a beneficiary of sporting injustice. Now you may be wondering where this is all going, surely when a game finishes 7-2, neither side can really have any complaints... Well, the injustice here didn’t actually happen on the pitch, it happened during the (socially responsible) customary post-game voting session. For those of you unfamiliar with hockey- which admittedly is probably a very small percentage of the readership- this involves each player voting for their Man of the Match (best performance on the pitch) and D*ck of the Day (worst moment on or off the pitch). Whilst the MOTM is afforded a brief ego boost and a pat on the back from their peers, the DOTD is lumped with the unenviable task of writing the match report.

At this point, any readers that witnessed Saturday’s game- and more specifically Purley’s calamitous second goal- must all now be having the same thought: ‘Wow, for a Geography teacher, James Craigmyle sure is an eloquent writer!’. But no, he isn’t. Nor is Eton-educated driving ace, Alex Manton-Jones, who turned up to the game wearing what can only be described as bad shoes. Alas, much like Alan Shearer or Uruguay, Craigmyle and ‘MJ’ are the beneficiaries of a huge injustice. And the ‘fall guy’? All will be revealed.

But first, a thrilling recollection of Saturday’s game:

0’: 0-0. The game begins.

8’: 1-0. Blackheath take an early lead courtesy of a Purley defender, who turns Ian Harvey’s close-range effort into his own net, presumably just to put an end to the maddening game of pinball that was in progress.

12’: 2-0. Chris Harden wins the ball on the opposition 25 and drives towards the D. He unselfishly elects to play the ball to Harvey, who slices his reverse stick cross-cum-shot into the back of the net from the tightest of angles.

18’: 2-1. Purley are awarded their first short corner of the game in dubious circumstances, and manage to pull a goal back, as a seemingly harmless drag flick is misjudged by Craigmyle, who can only parry the ball into the side netting.

25’: 3-1. An absolute peach, this one. Another swift counter-attack from Heath sees Harden once again turn provider, threading a ball through to the
unmarked Andy Slack inside the D. He takes a touch to control, before firing into the bottom corner with almost surgical precision.

30’: 4-1. The double assisstee finally gets his name on the score sheet, and into the nightmares of an unfortunate Purley player. After a goalmouth scramble, the poor chap finds himself in between Chris Harden and an unguarded goal. Much like getting in between a 400 pound grizzly bear and her newborn cubs, this is about as dangerous as it gets. Cue a crumpled heap lying on the floor as the ball trickles over the line...ruthless.

HT: 4-1 to the home side after a dominant display, but there’s still a long way to go...

40’: 5-1. And it’s over. Yet another scramble in the D after a short corner breaks down, and this time it’s Charlie Speller who is on hand to pick up the pieces and slot the ball home.

54’: 5-2. Given that this goal has already been alluded to as being somewhat calamitous, attempting to describe it in any kind of detail won’t serve to paint anyone in a particularly flattering light. But it’s worth doing anyway: A Purley attacker with his back to goal at the edge of the D, pushes the ball weakly on the turn- presumably attempting to play it onto a defenders foot- only for it miss, and roll slowly through 3 sets of legs, the last of which belong to GK Craigmyle, who ends up on all fours staring at floor in anguish.

65’: 6-2. Harvey picks up the ball on the 25 with only 1 thing on his mind- more hockey. He drives into the D, only to be bundled over in quite spectacular fashion. Anyone who thinks he isn’t going to dust himself off and place the ball on the spot himself is sorely mistaken. He then fires into the roof of the net to complete his technical hat-trick and take home the match ball (NB- Harvey shouted the loudest after the own goal was scored and so it was duly awarded to him, which apparently is how it works this season).

68’: 7-2. The cherry is firmly placed atop the performance with another goal from a scramble in the D. Harden is once again the quickest to react, and fires hard at the goal, only for the Purley keeper to get enough of a touch on the ball for it to drop down, and trickle towards the line. Aware that he is firmly in the danger zone Luke Bowman carefully shepherds the ball into the goal, being extra careful not to accidentally score himself, for fear of angering the Mother Bear.

Final Score: Blackheath and Elthamians 1st XI 7-2 Purley Walcountians 1st XI

MOTM: Ian Harvey- 3 goals, nuff said.

DOTD: Prem Marwaha- can’t remember.

Cheers!