Sevenoaks Felled

A much-maligned task, the match report is in trouble. Seemingly on the brink of extinction in the Men’s side of the club, the customary write-up of Saturday’s on-pitch antics has become a thing of great rarity. Much like Paddy Ferguson keeping his dummy within the confines of his pram, Marly Jones shooting on target on his reverse, or a 2nd XI defender with pace, it’s something you just don’t see very often. But, there is always hope. Just as David Attenborough rallies the cause for the Siberian Tiger, I too will rise to the challenge of restoring a floundering beast (by which I mean match reports rather than Tigers…. or Paddy).

And so, without wanting to lean too heavily on wayward prose, please find below a concise account of Saturday’s game.

(DISCLAIMER - Whilst every effort has been made to recount the game’s events as accurately as possible, some errors may have slipped through the cracks. The author in no way accepts any responsibility for any inaccuracies found. Any complaints should be directed to 2nd XI team management)

And so…

0’ - The game begins.

5’ - Bubnelis begins the onslaught. Receiving the ball 20 yards from goal, he beats 2 players before hammering home on his reverse from the top of the D. 1-0.

10’ - A flurry of short corners from the home side give some cause for concern, but Blackheath are able to preserve their lead, courtesy of the stick of Bullens and the foot of Cosgrove.

15’ - Marwaha plays a sumptuous through-ball to Baylis, who finds a Sevenoaks foot inside the D, to win Heath’s second short corner of the game. Nelson’s injection is spot on and Baylis’ flick has far too much power for the keeper to deal with. 2-0.

18’ - Dykes is sent walking for almost chopping a Sevenoaks stick in half whilst trying to get at the ball. Heath are down to 10 for 2 minutes, but Sevenoaks cannot capitalise.

20’ - Fowler mis-traps a flat 5 yard pass.

25’ - A fine tiki-taka passing move undoes the entire Sevenoaks team, and leaves Blackheath two-on-one inside the D. Nelson fires across the penalty spot where Marwaha performs a graceful, balletic swan-dive to slam the ball home. Pure poetry, and a deserved 3-0.

28’ - Fowler mis-traps a flat 5 yard pass.

30’ - With time still left until the half time break, the game is essentially put to bed by Dykes. A loose ball falls to the youngster inside the D, and he spins on a dime before slapping the ball into the bottom corner on his reverse. 4-0.

HALFTIME - With a 4 goal cushion and 35 minutes still to play, Heath are eager to resume their bombardment on the opposition goal. But complacency is at the forefront of everyone’s minds.

40’ - Sevenoaks are once again carved open, and Bubnelis finds himself with the ball on the left-hand baseline. He launches a reverse stick hit across the D straight to Marwaha who deflects home. 5-0, and plenty of time left for more.

45’ - Another fine passing move culminates with Jones being played through one-on-one with the keeper. Despite having both the goal at his mercy and time on his hands, he fails to score on his reverse. The drought continues….

50’ - McArthy decides it’s time to get in on the action, and roofs a spectacular finish from 10 yards as Nelson’s effort rebounds straight to him.

55’ - Cosgrove decides that the scoreline is too flattering in Blackheath’s favour, and- in a quite stunning act of benevolence- plays a crisp pass directly to the Sevenoaks forward standing at the top of the D. Thankfully this act of self-sabotage is thwarted by Bullens, who manages to save the effort on goal whilst simultaneously berating the Sevenoaks player for not hitting the ball.

60’ - The cherry a top a delicious hockey cake is applied by Dykes, finishing off the team-move of the game. From defensive 16 to opposition area in 4 passes, Leverton receives the ball and beats a man to enter the D. Rather than shooting, he draws the keeper and lifts the ball to the right of the goal where Dykes arrives to volley home from the angle. Only one word for that: Magic Hockey.

70’ - The final whistle sounds with Blackheath 7 to the good, and Bullens the proud owner of his first clean sheet in 3 years.

FINAL SCORE: Blackheath 2nd XI 7-0 Sevenoaks 4th XI

MOTM: Bubnelis - great goal and slick passing throughout. Beat Collard Junior to the title by 1 vote, which- in a delicious twist of fate- was cast by Collard Senior.

DOTD: Marwaha - Only scored 2 goals from his 3 attempts.