RUTHLESS 2s DEMOLISH STUDENTS

When writing a match report, it is customary for one to adopt a thrilling prose style of writing which mirrors the speed of the sporting action being described and intersperses goal-mouth incidents with generic phrases about the flow of play; all whilst remembering to shoe-horn in the names of every player involved, and giving examples of the better side of their performance. However, when there are 12 mouth-watering goals to describe and in order to avoid writing a laborious 5000 word critique of Saturday's game, I will- groundbreakingly- attempt what can only be described as a 'bullet-point report'. Enjoy:

1 - 0: Captain Prem Marwaha opens the scoring, firing home from the edge of the D after intercepting from a defensive 16.

2 - 0: Mike Benson continues his fine form for the 2s, converting a powerful short corner off the keepers helmet.

3 - 0: Chris Fowler lashes a volley against the backboard after Sam Little's reverse-stick shot loops into his path.

4 - 0: Benson bags his brace with another drag flick, effectively ending the game as a contest with only 30 minutes gone.

5 - 0: Coach Jade Bloomfield slots home a text-book 'J run and cut-back to the P-spot' from Little.

Half Time: Everyone has a drink.

6 - 0: Little's 3rd assist of the game sets up Marwaha who nutmegs the keeper with a tame shot.

7 - 0: A goalmouth scramble ends with Rich Mills slapping the ball in from a tight angle under the keeper.

8 - 0: Marwaha completes his hat-trick, firing a fierce shot over the keepers head from the edge of the D, after Benson's through-ball.

9 - 0: Another goalmouth scramble falls to Bloomfield, who flicks over the logged keeper on his reverse.

9 - 1: A cheap turnover of the ball in midfield hands Kent a 4-on-3 attack which they finish from 5 yards out.

10 - 1: A hat-trick opportunity is stolen from Benson, as Robert Hughes pulls his short corner injection to Bloomfield, who gets his 3rd with a straight strike on goal.

11 - 1: Marwaha completes the rout, deflecting Mills' shot-come-cross into the bottom corner.

MOTM:

Tom Archer - controlled the game from the middle of the park, and resisted the temptation to shoot on his one foray into the opposition D.

DOTD:

Prem Marwaha - forgot to bring the warm-up balls to the match.

Overall, a very impressive and professional performance from the 2s, with every single player putting in a solid shift.

Final Score:

University of Kent 1st XI 1 - 11 Blackheath & Elthamians 2nd XI

NB - Whether the above report will sate those 2nd XI players eagerly awaiting this article, vainly searching out their name to see how their performance has been described (Fowler), is yet to be seen. However, should this correspondent be laboured with this arduous task once more, you may well see a return of this inventive style of reporting.....