AIN’T NO SUNSHINE WHERE THEY’RE FROM

As I’m sure you are all aware, these are strange and unprecedented times. The worlds of work, socialising and travel have all been turned on their respective heads, and so it will come as some relief to know that one world- that of amateur hockey match reports- has remained blissfully unchanged. With no talk of government restrictions, early pub closures or post-holiday quarantines beyond this point, you can soon allow yourself to become immersed in pure, unadulterated hockey.

And what hockey it promised to be! With the 1st XI squad bursting at the seams, the 2s were able to field a team absolutely dripping with talent (not literally). And so, as the sun-soaked morning gave way to light drizzle as the teams began their warm up, the scene was set...

(DISCLAIMER - although all effort has been made to report match events accurately, some inaccuracies may still be present)

0’: The game begins.

10’: 1-0. The opening goal of the match, and it’s a front-runner for ‘Team Goal of The Season 2020/21’. Hughes plays it from a 16 to Mitchell, Mitchell gives it to Babs, Babs slings it forward to Marwaha, who dummies it for Slack, Slack gives it back to Marwaha, Marwaha finds Morrison, Morrison dinks it over the defenders stick to Leverton, Leverton fires it into the D for Slack to bundle home on the back post. Only one word for that: Superb Hockey.

28’: 2-0. A slick counterattack sees Fowler receive the ball just outside the D. He slots it through the defence to Marwaha, who turns, ignores Morrison’s desperate pleas for him to pass the ball, and calmly sweeps home on the reverse. Nothing short of what Heath deserve.

32’: Still 2-0. Another fine move from the home side, and after Leverton plays a sumptuous ball across the face of goal, Fowler throws his hat into the ring for DOTD, by missing the ball completely on the back post.

HALF TIME: 2-0, and a commanding lead. But if last season’s 8-7 thriller against Crawley is anything to go by, it certainly isn’t game over.

40’: 2-1. And so it proves, a decent spell from the away side and they get their reward. The ball finds the Crawley target man at a seemingly harmless position inside the D, but to the surprise of everyone in the ground- and almost definitely the player himself- he unleashes an ‘unstoppable’ (according the James Kelly) strike into the top left corner.

43’: Still 2-1, an astonishing passage of play! In a near carbon-copy of the 2nd goal, a counterattack sees Fowler find Marwaha in the D. He attempts to lift the ball over the keeper, but a slight touch from the Crawley stopper sends the ball looping high towards the goal. Fortunately for the C’s (presumed nickname), they have a defender on the line, but he inexplicably decides to try and volley the ball out of the park. Somehow he misses and the ball lands on his foot on the line. With VAR still yet to be rolled out in Kent/Sussex Div 2, the decision reached by the umpires is a short corner. ‘Nay bother’ say Heath in unison, and they line up for the short. A slick training ground L1-R1 move is executed to near perfection, but Fowler’s defleco hits the outside of the post and goes behind. Is it going to be Heath’s day....?

45’: 3-1. Yes, yes it is going to be Heath’s day. Luke Bowman bursts through the C’s midfield and lays the ball off to Slacky. The Doctor takes his time, picks his spot (top left, naturally), and flicks the ball home.

58’: 4-1. Heath are now carving the C’s open at will. This time Oli Ivens drives forward over the 25 and plays a defence-splitting pass to Marwaha. In an almost Christ-like act of charity and benevolence, Marwaha decides not to slot home himself, instead holding the ball up just long enough for Fowler to arrive at the back post, where he tees him up for a tap-in. Game over.

65’: 5-1. With Fowler having daubed his personal icing all over the cake minutes earlier, Slacky decides to delicate place one of his cherries on top. Despite the game being nearly over, the front line continue to press, and Marwaha gets a stick on an attempted clearance. With the hockey gods (David Maltman and Tony Da Cruz) clearly smiling on Heath, the ball falls straight into Slacky’s path. On a hat-trick, with just minutes left in the game, there was only one thing on his mind....BANG!

FINAL SCORE: Blackheath & Elthamians 2nd XI 5-1 Crawley 1st XI

MOTM: Slacky- Hat-trick to start the season speaks for itself

DOTD: Fowler- Second half goal not quite enough to redeem his first half miss